kannamma's emptiness

i keep trying
to understand life
with my mind
which is as futile as
trying to fill
the bottomless emptiness
within me
with you
trying to fill
my emptiness with you
is like
trying to cover
my naked body
with a scrap of tissue
and look decent
before an audience
utterly hopeless
made pathetic
in the desperation
of trying
better just to stand naked....
be empty
exposed..
yes..
painful too..
but, standing
accepting
not pathetic...
you and i
we are like
day and night
opposites that strike
an exquisite balance
but
balance requires balance
and
trying to fill
myself with you
throws it off
and you can only
watch as i fall
i can't fill my void
with another person...
and trying to understand
life with my mind
is like trying
to wrap my arms
around the shadows
cast by the setting sun
can't even see
their full length
nor count their number
nor hold even one..
but the wonder is..
i still try...
why try?
why not just
enjoy their infinite unreachability
what a joke
attempting this!
too good of a joke
so good i get stuck in
and forget to laugh
and instead cry...
but
you laugh
laugh, even when
my tears fall...
and
when i cry out to you
you shed
one moment's tear..
only
then return to laughter....
and
when i try
to fill my emptiness with you
you sit silent
observing
and when i beg you
to speak to me,
comfort me,
cover me,
you sit silent
observing...
is this the greatest cruelty?
or compassion?
arrogance?
or understanding?
do you know the difference?
....
i'm waiting..
as usual...
...